Thursday, December 31, 2009

the new year

the new year is aproaching us all, this year has been a year of new beginings, experiences and alot of growing up.

so let us all go into the new year with love in our hearts, forgivness in our minds and words that wrap themselves around people and make them feel good inside :)

warm fuzzies and good times to all who ring in the new year with a whole hearted "hello 2010 what do you have planned for me? :)"

Saturday, December 26, 2009

the cliff, the lighthouse and the box

she stands frozen with fear, standing with her long brown hair, green eyes and her favorite t shirt and jeans on, the wind blowing softly against her face, she is on top of the cliff near just close enough to see the lighthouse to her left, below the waves are crashing upon the rocks violently they swoosh with fierce intensity.

softly she begins to speak to God, she finally falls to her knees crying histerically while begging for his forgiveness even though she knows he will always forgive her she feels it nescessary to express her guilt. as she is doing so she feels an extreme sense of serintity and peace, then before her closed eyes a bright flash knocks her on her back, as she comes to conciousness again she looks around to find not a soul in sight, slightly confused and shaken she begins to pick herself up off the ground only to find a small brown box with a note adressed to her.

she begins to ask if anyone is there she thought she was the only person who knew about this place, it was very secluded not many knew it even existed and those who did were too afraid for the unstability of the cliff. she had been going to this spot since she was a little girl only 9 years old at the time, now she was 17 and just about to begin her final journey into highschool then college then who knew, maybe Italy, Austrailia, London, the possibilities were endless. after a good 15 minutes of searching the area and calling out to see if anyone had left the box she finally decides to open the note.

the note read:


this box contains precious memories from your life, some are from the past, some from the present and some from the future, it is now up to you to choose which path you want for your life, which road you wish to take in life. God has a plan for you however you have to choose to follow this plan, trust that he will work everything out trust that he will guide you trust that he will know what is best for you. with this i leave you, choose which memories you want to keep, which ones you want to let go of and what path you want to follow, then after doing so take the memories you wnat to let go of and let them fly with the wind, then place back the memories you would like to keep, finally the path you have chosen you will carry with you...keep it tucked away in your pocket or somewhere safe where only you can know."

intrigued she opens the small box, as she goes through she first finds the memories of her childhood they were in the form of pictures, snapshots of her life, innocent, playful, silly, sweet ect. ect. she decides to keep those, as she continues she finds memories that still sting to think about, decides to allow those to go, and finally as she was told she see's the future memories, they were blank, nothing just a white photo, she flips over the picture, as she does she reads " the future is only something God shall know, no one but God will know what the future holds." softly she laughs, reviews everything once more then chooses her path, she softly places the picture in her pocket closes the box then looks over the memories she is saying goodbye to once more and lets them fly away with the wind.

just as she begins to walk away she remembers she left her scarf laying on the ground, when she returns to retrieve it the box is gone, amazed again she finds a rock with a note perfectly laid underneath it. laughing to herself she opens the note, it reads:

"Caroline, I love you, i am with you forever and always, i have never left i will never leave, i have loved you before you were created, i am your creator i love you, always know this i am your rock, when everything else is crumbling like sand i always stand. when your ready i am here


shocked and touched Caroline places her hand over her mouth as she cries tears of joy, the warmth she feels within is something unexplained, something only God could have done.

from that day on Caroline was a changed girl, she followed the path that God had laid out for her, kept the note and the picture however both were blank, neither one were visible unless she was at her cliff, with God.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

the masquerade of life...

as i was watching a video by one republic corectly titled "all the right moves" i became intsantly inspired to right a blog entry about masquerade's of life and the faces we put on. the way we act around everyone.

not many people are willing to go past a superficial surface, not many are brave enough and secure and sure enough in their lives to discuss deeper issues other than what color they should paint their nails, which outfit to wear when going out that night, ect.

lately people have found me worthy of knowing their personal lives, i hope i have not failed them, i try my hardest not to, so many people are hurting inside, so many have so much going wrong in their lives, so many people are lost and when they tell someone what they do to cope no one seems to care, just tells em not to do it. when really all they need is someone who understands what they are going through, what they are feeling, what they are dealing with.

although i am unable to take the pain away, all i can do is listen and help in the best way i know possible, i cant and still dont know how to deal with half the crap going on in my life, yes people are there for me and yes i have a God who loves me and will take the pain away, however i feel that some of it i have to learn how to deal with it. you can push the thoughts away as much as you like but when it comes down to it, the problems are still there.

so getting to the point of my whole story, we as people and a society put on a masquerade and fake our own happiness, we pretend all if fine and well in our lives when in reality 90 percent of the time our world is just a series of one bad event after another. life is all about attitude and how you handle things, however sometimes its okay to become upset and confused and let your guard down, let people in show them how things really are...its time for us to put our masks down, show the ones you trust the ones you love the inside workings of yourself.

dont let past mistakes, regrets, experiences keep you away from possible amazing friends, relationships, maybe even love, everyone has had people up and walk out of their lives, not speak to them because they got into a fight and called it quits, we have all had tradgedies, but you shouldnt allow that to keep you from opening up. i dont, i wait and when and if the time is right and the person is the kind of person that i can open up to i do, i dont let the pain from past experiences keep me from living my life how i want to.

life is all about attitude and how you handle things and no matter how much people try to convince me that they are okay i can see right through them, they pretend nothing is wrong, they pretend everything is alright when really all they want to do is cry, scream, yell, be angry, anything they just want to feel. so please by all means feel, let people in, even if they walk out or leave your life for whatever reason there is always more people, just see that life is beautiful, as ugly as it can be sometimes there is alot of beauty in there also...just dig through and will not always be this complicated and hurtful, life will get better, so keep your head held high and let life happen like its supposed to

"you say your miserable, however you choose to be, so why not be happy...find the beauty in ugly"

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

the phone call

as she lies in bed pondering on the way the sunlight hits right abover her pillow, just bright enough to wake her from her sleep she begins to wonder what the point is in moving. she would rather lie in bed all day long and all night long than get up and go through with her day, she isnt sick she isnt depressed she's just lost, tired of the day to day routine, ready for something unpredictable and unstable, something that will make her average life adventerous.

finally she finds the will to roll out of bed and get dressed, as she is doing so she begins to think about her plans "okay, i've got work at 10am, then after work i need to do some shopping for the house, then there is that holiday party tonight..." she shoves the very terrifying thoughts away from her mind as she goes about her day and night. only to confront the cold, dark and lonely evening ahead, life has been like this for months, none of her friends, family or coworkers know anything about what she is going through.

as she prepares her bed she hears her phone ring, she quickly grabs it, as she does she realizes who it is and decides not to answer it, turns out it was the one person she wanted nothing to do with, the one person who shattered her, the only person who could mend her. the phone continues to ring and she recieves voicemails and text messages apologizing saying he made a mistake he chose the wrong person, ect. ect.

not wanting or knowing what to say to him she puts her phone on silent and sits on her bed opens the blinds in her room and stares up at the night sky, he didnt do anything wrong, he told her from the beginning how things were going to be and she was the one pursuing something, she knew the whole time she was in the wrong, however she continued on not caring for the consequences, it was extremely out of character for her, never had she allowed anyone to open doors, call her or txt her or pusue anything with her, she was miss independent. she didnt need anyone, wanted someone but didnt need them, so when he came along and broke all those walls she had set up, she was afraid but ready, ready to see what this all had in store for her, had she known it was going to end up in heartache she would have driven away.

she began to think upon how life was before him, how happy she was, how in love with herself she was, she had finally accepted herself for who she was and what she looked like, she could never see the beauty that everyone else saw, but decided that she was a beautiful person and if someone couldnt love her the way she was then they werent worth her time and effort. then right as things were going well for her he showed up, he showered her with affection and was all mushy gushy romantic, she never wanted that, thought it was all fairytale crap. those walls she built came crashing down like waterfalls, they never stood a chance with him, then he broke her heart. now she must build herself back up from where she has fallen.

she is tired of telling her friends the same old story over and over again, that she is broken hearted and cant understand why, she is scared she will never find someone who fits so well with her as he does, someone who was as crazy about her as she was about him, so she keeps to herself, she tells no one of the conflicting pain she feels deep inside, the hurt she bottles it up and pretends everything is alright. when she is home she closes off doors and isolates herself from everyone, its not that she doesnt love her family but she is tired of the negativity her family holds with them and refuses to have any part of it, however when doing family events she acts as if they are the brady bunch, fine and dandy nothing wrong. deep inside she is confused and wants to go back into time and tell herself of what is to come and make herself walk away from the poisoned apple

he continues to call, only 2 calls, 2 voicemails, and 2 txt messages. all apologizing asking for her to call him so he can explain everything. tempted to see what he wants to say she calls him, they sit and talk like old friends at first then get into the deeper stuff as the night continues on, he begins to explain that he does love his (now ex) girlfriend, however cannot get her off his mind, wants to be with her not his ex, he cant explain why he loves his ex because he himself does not understand the odd desire to be with her, he thought they had a perfect relationship, and they did in his eyes because he wasnt ready to start a new relationship with anyone, and his ex and him knew one another like the back of their hands and there was no guess work or confusions, nothing to worry about, they could be together without all the difficulites of a new relationship. he had so much going on he couldnt handle having a new relationship and now that things have settled down for him he is ready to begin where they ended.

not knowing what to say or think or feel, she sits frozen in time just existing not thinking not speaking, his voice begins to fade, she can hear nothing over her tears falling from the green depths of her sparkling eyes, she was always and still is a very bright soul, she hardly every cries tears of sadness, there is never a moment where she does not laugh or make someone else laugh, she makes it her goal in life to show people emense love and kindness, hoping they will pass that on to someone else. so for her to be this down and out she wants nothing more than to feel better and move on with her life.

silence is all that surrounds him and her, she tells him she needs time to be alone, to think, to just exist, she doesnt know what to say and doesnt want to say the wrong thing understanding this he agrees to speak to her tommorow. so softly she lays on her pillow, awake full of questions, confusion, fear anxiety, she will not get any sleep tonight, she will not wake to a happy morning, she will only wake to more confusion, fear, anxiety and indescision.

that night she dreams a dream only she can know of, she dreams of a dream so powerful she herself is afraid not to follow the direction given to her in the dream, so she does as the dream guides her to do...who's to say she made the right descision, whose to say she made the one except for her and him shall know wether it was the right or wrong descision.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

our very existence

as i was listening to a song today, 100 years by five for fighting, it got me to thinking that life is well....complex. we have such little time to live, laugh and love yet so much time to worry about where our next car payment will come from, where our next meal will come from, how we will get by this month ect. ect.

we just dont take enough time to enjoy the free things in life, we always want bigger, better, smarter, faster, prettier, shinnier, ect. the list goes on and on and the holidays just intensify it all because everyone is pressured to buy something for someone and spend not too much but just enough that the worth matches whatever soemone got them.

honestly God forbid we give someone something that is sincere like a letter, or a hug or just a dinner with them seeing how they are, just showing someone you care is and can mean the world to just one person so why not do it all the time? why not do little things for people that will make them smile or laugh or cheer them up, even when they are not down and out about anything and are just being themselves why cant we make it our goal in life to love people and to show them we love them?

why is it sooo hard for someone to say i love you but so easy for them to say i hate you? God loves us, and even though people say we dont NEED people in our lives. we really do. we truly truly do! why do you think there are sooooo many people?! because we were meant to be with one another and love one another. but people just get so caught up in there own little world they tend to forget what really matters.

so this holliday season throw out the gifts and just show someone you love them by doing something they need, wether they think they need it or not and just show them love, show them the love you have for them, how thankful you are for them and show them Christ's love.

"my eyes are wide and full of wonder, so come fill them up"